How to Survive as a Zombie

Face it. If a zombie outbreak occurs, odds are that you will become a zombie. It’s okay. We can’t all be Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead or Alice from Resident Evil.

Zombie hunters love arguing about the essentials of their bug-out bag and the weapons they need to defeat poor little zombies like yourself. You should be equally prepared. You need a plan so you can stay undead and keep eating brains for years to come.

Items a Zombie Will Need During the Apocalypse

1. Good sneakers.

As a member of the undead hordes, you are going to be doing a lot of shambling. You will need comfortable shoes to keep your rotting feet intact for as long as possible. Otherwise, you could have trouble catching up with those pesky humans who are always running away from you.

You are also going to want quiet shoes. The loud smack of those expensive leather-soled shoes is going to give you away to humans hiding nearby. With a good pair of sneakers, you can ensure it’s not your shoes that give you away.

2. Super glue, duct tape, or better yet, taxidermy adhesive.

You are dead and rotting. Things are going to fall off. You are going to need some sort of adhesive to keep those body parts attached. Taxidermy adhesive, like caulk, is the best solution for dried out and desiccated zombie parts, but super glue or duct tape will work in a pinch.

3. Portable bonesaw.

Skulls are hard, and as your limbs limbs decay, it might become harder and harder to smash open those craniums to get at the delicious brains inside. A portable bone saw can help you cut right through skulls and other pesky bones to get at that tasty flesh you crave.

4. A helmet, preferably bulletproof.

Your head is your weak spot. You want to give as few opportunities as possible to the humans. Get a good, high-quality helmet to protect yourself from those pesky head shots and double taps.

5. The book How to Win Friends and Influence People.

As a zombie, there is safety in numbers. As part of a zombie horde, you can overtake small groups of human survivors with ease. So, you are going to want to make friends with other zombies as quickly as possible. While geared toward humans, this book can still provide you with lots of good tips for making other zombies like you. For example, don’t argue or fight over the brains; you can make friends by limiting confrontation. There is plenty of flesh to go around and lots of humans left to kill.

6. A hearing aid.

Your hearing is our best hunting device. Why not heighten it? With a hearing aid, you can hear humans and other living creatures from a distance, so you can shamble after them.

7. Athletic Attire.

In addition to good shoes, you are going to want clothing that allows for maximum movement and breathes well to vent the reek of decay. If possible, get clothing that is stain-proof and water-proof. Blood stains are hard to get out.

Is there anything essential that I have missed? What do you think is necessary to be a successful zombie?